The fact is, i am really really happy for you.
And proud too.
And i mean everything i said about being glad and not angry with you.

It is feeling all these, knowing how i should act so as to not stress you out
and yet, there are other feelings too.
I am disappointed.
Quite so.
But it is so difficult to hide that, so that you cannot see it.
So that you will not feel that i am angry with you.
So that you can prepare for japan knowing that i am behind you all the way.
So that you will no longer keep feeling stress and worry about my reaction.

I am sorry i couldn't mask it better.
I wish i can tell you that despite feeling disappointed,
i am really really happy for you too.
And proud.

Sometimes my emotions get better of me.
Its knowing what i shouldn't do but couldn't stop myself.
Now, you must be disappointed in me.

I admit that i had alot of hopes and plans for holidays.
I thought going on a trip with you will help things.
Its only my over reliance on making plans and being too hopeful.
3 weeks road trip seemed like a cure for cancer.
But that is not being realistic.
There are more important things and i know that.
Which is why i honestly cannot say that i am angry with you.
Or that i want you to turn down the offer even.
I have not considered that.

I appreciated you letting me know in advance.
Caring about my feelings before you even agreed to write the proposal.
I stand by what i said: go for it.
I know how hard and rare such chances were to come by.
I am only sorry that now that the proposal is accepted, i cannot help feeling disappointed.
Or sad.

I am only angry with myself for feeling like this.
Being selfish.
You should be disappointed in me instead.

I wish i am better.